"Hot and bothered!" For most people these words create images of being twisted up in sheets, breathlessly reaching out to the one you love. For those with chronic illness, however, "hot" is more likely to refer to one's thyroid condition, night sweats, or a heating pad on high. "Bothered. . ." Well, let's just say when your body aches, everything makes you feel bothered: a cat that won't move off your leg, a joint that continues to throb, and a husband that is able to snore through minor earthquakes. It can be hard to be romantic! Nearly 1 in 2 people live with a chronic illness in the U.S. which means that a lot of marriages are disrupted by this uninvited third party of illness, often including mental illness as well. Seventy-five percent of marriages end in divorce. But romantic ideas don't have to be used just on Valentine's Day. So! How do you get the spark back? Here are some creative romantic gift ideas and ways to say, "I love you." Make an effort. Stop with the excuses. "I'm tired, I don't feel good. I am in so much pain." I've said them all. Guess what? You'll probably always be tired. Put on some music, sit back and relax. You're in pain? If you can push past some of the physical pain you'll soon be distracted and forget at least a good part of it. Make romance a priority. That means not spending the whole Saturday cleaning your house and then being exhausted. Rest up, even if it's just so you can have a conversation without falling asleep. Be enthusiastic during your romantic evening. Even if you're just going out for dinner, don't say, "I'm doing this just for you. I don't really feel like it." (Oh, yeah, that will turn him on.) Smile and talk about pleasant memories or dreams you have. Promise yourself not to talk about your illness for just one night.You don't have to write romantic love poems. Just put together a mini-album of your favorite photos and include notes about your memories and how much he means to you. Make a list of all the things you notice he does that you don't usually thank him for: taking out the garbage, getting you medication in the middle of the night, giving your child a bath, cleaning out the litter box. Type out a sheet of all of this stuff in fun fonts and different colors. Women, get over feeling self-conscious and buy some underwear that doesn't look like your grandmother's. Text message him something daring or outrageously romantic that you would have said when you first fell in love. Back before text-messaging existed. Give him a home-made coupon for something he would like but doesn't splurge on very often such as, "Good for 5 guilt-free hours with your friends watching football." Avoid making him feel guilty whenever he wants to do something you can participate in (like going hiking or riding a roller coaster.) There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. But a marriage where both people are involved in keeping it alive, despite the existence of a chronic illness, can be one of the most rewarding joys in your life. Romance comes in many forms. I loved my husband more than ever the night I literally could not move because of a rheumatoid arthritis flare. I "slept" sitting on the couch and he slept on the floor beside the couch to comfort me every time I moved and screamed from the pain. Love comes in many forms. One of the books I've bought all the couples in my life is "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs" by Emerson Eggerichs. Men often feel loved when they are respected, women want to feel loved. Usually we are offering our spouse what we want, not what they need. Being aware of all of the little things we do each day that give one another love and respect, add up to romance when you least expect it.
Lisa Copen
January 14, 2008
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